vulnerabilty--the third attempt.

Last night in Idaho I journaled, read, prayed about a reoccurring issue in my life: relationships. After about an hour I had the urge to go dig up my high school journals and after much garage attic searching I found all six of them. Back in my old room, I flipped through pages of journal entries dating from 1999--full of thoughts, prayers, doodles, and, especially, boys. Time, it seems, has softened my memory of myself. I remembered being a bit excessive in relationships but I had conveniently forgotten the ... overlap.
At fifteen years old, I was stringing along four guys from three states while "dating" at least two of them at a time. 0_0 Umm... not good.
Initially I was disgusted. I called myself a barrage of dirty names and burrowed into my pillow with shame. I ... cheated. I was chronically unfaithful for years. How have I managed to gloss over that fact for all this time?
Then, I remembered the past four years and encouragement found me. I have changed dramatically. I don't even recognize that horribly self-conscious, under-conscienced little girl. I am a completely different person and the thought of being unfaithful in a relationship is unthinkable. Completely repulsive.
Out of this I praised God infinitely. To think where I could be right now! If not for that missions trip, if not for this school, if not for those friends, those guy friends, that new perspective, WHO would I be?? I shudder to think.
This encouragement brandished a warning or two. I am still self-conscious, still place Relationship as a too high priority, and still have a lot left to learn. A long way left to go.
But. BUT, I am so thankful for how far I have come!!