I've been wondering why seeing status updates and pictures from my old friends, my old life, often cause me pangs of pain. I've realized that part of it is simple jealousy, but part of it is that the place in their lives that I used to occupy is being filled. I guess I kinda thought that my absence would be more like a vacuum than a blank canvas, but soon there will be no white left at all.

That's a good thing though, right?

these are some times.

Sometimes, I stop running myself ragged; sometimes I stop filling my life with noise, activity, chaos.

Sometimes I sit in silence.

I close my eyes, and sometimes,

sometimes.

Sometimes in the silence something, somewhere inside me

screams

Why are you here?? WHY are you doing this?

Sometimes, only sometimes, I can't answer

It's probably a good thing I can't visit home this summer.

Avoidance

I started watching online tv when I came to Japan as a way to deal with culture shock, loneliness, boredom.

It has consumed the better part of my life now. It is an addiction. A very real and powerful one.

I am so caught up in this online entertainment pseudo-life, that I am barely living in the real one.

I am not facing my issues, not facing conflict, not facing the real difficulty and beauty of life here. I am numbing it. Numbing everything.

Reality has become too much to face now. I am afraid to turn it off.

I'm a Creep.

warning: adult language

http://www.noob.us/entertainment/homeless-guy-does-awesome-cover-of-creep/

Something about the way he sings this song is totally enrapturing. I can't stop listening to it. 

4 a.m.

TTD 5: Just a Glance, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

I updated my flickr with some photos from Martha's Trash the Dress session. We had such a blast!

This photo is one of my favorites --despite the poor vignetting. I so desperately need and desire photoshop software... soon I will have money. soon.

:) Anyways, I should sleep. I have been on the computer MUCH too long today.


Goodnight, all!

Photosession Ponderings

Thief, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This is my youth pastor's darling baby, Kendra. I did a photoshoot with her and her two siblings for a couple hours on Sunday night and had a total blast! We shot in their yard (which just borders forest land--lots of trees and flowers!) and then in their living room with the best overcast lighting coming in their giant windows and a satin sheet spread out on the carpet. :) Talk about your make-shift studio!

I am extremely happy with the outcome. This is my first paid child/baby photoshoot, and i was pretty nervous. Plus, my poor over used camera has been crying for maintenance which I simply can't afford. However, I walked away with over 600 photos to sort through, and will proudly award them with about 250 tomorrow. Not bad. :)

However, I did spend about... oh... nine... ten? hours in the last two days editing these photos! That is a LOT of time! And only 60 of them are edited as fully as I prefer. Ugh.

I get totally carried away in the process and five or six hours can pass by without notice, but then at the end of the day, as I sit here looking back on my day, I have to grimace. Ten hours? I don't have that time to spare!

Finances are also a serious issue here... I love this family and I am happy to go the extra mile for them. They have done so much for me throughout our time together, and they cooked me a lovely meal after the photoshoot to top it all! BUT, I need to really consider the amount of time I can spare, and the amount of money I should charge, because for just anybody, $50 for 15 hours of work... doesn't pay.

So... that is what's on my mind at the moment. :) I don't regret plugging the hours into these photos. Like I said, I am happy with the outcome (which you can get a peak of on my flickr if you click the photo), it is just something I need to think about for the future. :)

Ugh, it is so late. And my eyes burn from all this computer-starring.

Hope you are having a lovely morning/afternoon/evening, dear reader(s)! :)

p.s. is "photosession" one word or two? what a bother.

Sunlight Waits

It is past 3 a.m. in Idaho, but I am still awake.

Apparently I love sleep deprivation and an endless cycle of pain. :P

This is just a short post to share a favorite photo with you, my single reader, Bethy. :) ha ha, and anyone else who drops by. :)

Sunlight Waits, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele
This photo is particularly meaningful to me tonight (this morning) because it partially captures this strange place I am in. I can see the sunlight at the top of the stairs (happiness in Okinawa), but the stairs themselves are covered in stuff, overgrown, creaky... a little terrifying.

There is so much to do to prepare, and I don't even want to think about the goodbyes...though the mental slide show of faces keeps me up at night.