I Want an R.A.

This is the satire I just wrote for Advanced Expos, mimicking "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady. I had WAY too much fun writing it. Thinking of you, Beff. :)


I once belonged to that classification of people known as resident assistants. I was An R.A. And, not altogether coincidentally, I was a student.

Not too long ago a female peer of mine appeared on the campus fresh from a community college. She has a single room, which is, of course, in the dorms. She is dependent upon her R.A. As I thought about her while I was studying one afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have an R.A. Why do I want an R.A.?

I would like to go back to the dorms so that I can become socially dependent, refresh myself, and, if need be, progress my love life. I want an R.A. who will strive to support me with school. And while she is going to school I want an R.A. to take care of my problems. I want an R.A. to keep track of school-wide events and sport events. And to plan some of mine, too. I want an R.A. to make sure my friends eat properly and are kept healthy. I want an R.A. who will neutralize the floor’s drama and keep us happy. I want an R.A. who is a good nurturing counselor to my floor-mates, who diagnoses their problems, makes sure they have a brimming social life with the boys, takes them to the waterfront, coffee shops, etc. I want an R.A. who takes care of the floor when we are sad, an R.A. who arranges to be available when my friends need extra time, because, of course, I cannot compromise grades in school. My R.A. must expect to skip classes and work and not lose her mind. It may mean a small decrease in my R.A.’s grades from class to class, but I think she can handle that. Needless to say, my R.A. will arrange and sacrifice for the care of the floor while my R.A. is in school.

I want an R.A. who will take care of my obvious needs. I want an R.A. who will keep my hall clean. An R.A. who will pick up after my friends. I want an R.A. who will submit the maintenance requests, vacuum, decorate, keep the bathrooms clean, and who will see to it that all possible paperwork is printed in her personal file so that I can get what I want without leaving the dorms. I want an R.A. who plans the events, an R.A. who plans fun events. I want an R.A. who will set the date, do the necessary research, make the phone calls, advertise it interestingly, and then understand when I am too busy studying. I want an R.A. who will call the nurse when I am sick and sympathize with my stress and lack of motivation for school. I want an R.A. to stay behind when the school takes a break so that she can continue to plan for me and my friends when we come back and want to hang out.

I want an R.A. who will not interrupt me with incessant lectures about my “community responsibility.” But I want an R.A. who will listen to me when I feel the need to complain about a rather difficult floor-mate I have argued with about her lack of respect. And I want an R.A. who will edit my papers for me when I have finished them.

I want an R.A. who will take care of the events for my social experience. When my friends and I are bored out of sanity, I want an R.A. who takes care of the entertainment details. When I meet boys on the brother floor who I like and want to know, I want an R.A. who will have an event planned, will prepare a delicious snack, give it to me and the boys, and not butt-in when I flirt and make them interested in me and my charm. I want an R.A. who will have arranged that the event is private and off campus out of the way so that security does not bother us. I want an R.A. who takes care of the details of our events so that we have fun, who makes sure that we‘re in a great location, that we are given plenty of time, that we are offered a diverse selection of games, that that our juice boxes are replenished as necessary, that our expenses are taken care of as needed. And I want an R.A. who understands that sometimes I need a weekend away with my boyfriends.

I want an R.A. who is considerate of my romantic life, an R.A. who sets me up regularly and consistently with guys who are worth it, an R.A. who makes sure that I am occupied. And, of course, I want an R.A. who will take care of unwanted attention when I am not interested in them. I want an R.A. who takes on complete responsibility for failed dates, because I do not want low self-esteem. I want an R.A. who will match make for only me so that I do not have to clutter up my romantic life with rivalries. And I want an R.A. who understands that my romantic life may entail more than strict adherence to school policy. I must, after all, be able to interact with men as completely as possible.

If, by chance, I find another floor with a more suitable R.A. than the R.A. I already have, I expect the liberty to reject my present R.A. for another one. Naturally, I will expect an immediate, direct change; my R.A. will take the paperwork and be thoroughly accurate in it so that I can leave easily.

When I am graduated from school and have a career, I want an R.A. to keep in contact and continue to validate me so that my R.A. can endlessly mentor and support me through life’s trials.

My God, who wouldn’t want an R.A.