I've been wondering why seeing status updates and pictures from my old friends, my old life, often cause me pangs of pain. I've realized that part of it is simple jealousy, but part of it is that the place in their lives that I used to occupy is being filled. I guess I kinda thought that my absence would be more like a vacuum than a blank canvas, but soon there will be no white left at all.

That's a good thing though, right?

these are some times.

Sometimes, I stop running myself ragged; sometimes I stop filling my life with noise, activity, chaos.

Sometimes I sit in silence.

I close my eyes, and sometimes,

sometimes.

Sometimes in the silence something, somewhere inside me

screams

Why are you here?? WHY are you doing this?

Sometimes, only sometimes, I can't answer

It's probably a good thing I can't visit home this summer.

Avoidance

I started watching online tv when I came to Japan as a way to deal with culture shock, loneliness, boredom.

It has consumed the better part of my life now. It is an addiction. A very real and powerful one.

I am so caught up in this online entertainment pseudo-life, that I am barely living in the real one.

I am not facing my issues, not facing conflict, not facing the real difficulty and beauty of life here. I am numbing it. Numbing everything.

Reality has become too much to face now. I am afraid to turn it off.

I'm a Creep.

warning: adult language

http://www.noob.us/entertainment/homeless-guy-does-awesome-cover-of-creep/

Something about the way he sings this song is totally enrapturing. I can't stop listening to it. 

4 a.m.

TTD 5: Just a Glance, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

I updated my flickr with some photos from Martha's Trash the Dress session. We had such a blast!

This photo is one of my favorites --despite the poor vignetting. I so desperately need and desire photoshop software... soon I will have money. soon.

:) Anyways, I should sleep. I have been on the computer MUCH too long today.


Goodnight, all!

Photosession Ponderings

Thief, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This is my youth pastor's darling baby, Kendra. I did a photoshoot with her and her two siblings for a couple hours on Sunday night and had a total blast! We shot in their yard (which just borders forest land--lots of trees and flowers!) and then in their living room with the best overcast lighting coming in their giant windows and a satin sheet spread out on the carpet. :) Talk about your make-shift studio!

I am extremely happy with the outcome. This is my first paid child/baby photoshoot, and i was pretty nervous. Plus, my poor over used camera has been crying for maintenance which I simply can't afford. However, I walked away with over 600 photos to sort through, and will proudly award them with about 250 tomorrow. Not bad. :)

However, I did spend about... oh... nine... ten? hours in the last two days editing these photos! That is a LOT of time! And only 60 of them are edited as fully as I prefer. Ugh.

I get totally carried away in the process and five or six hours can pass by without notice, but then at the end of the day, as I sit here looking back on my day, I have to grimace. Ten hours? I don't have that time to spare!

Finances are also a serious issue here... I love this family and I am happy to go the extra mile for them. They have done so much for me throughout our time together, and they cooked me a lovely meal after the photoshoot to top it all! BUT, I need to really consider the amount of time I can spare, and the amount of money I should charge, because for just anybody, $50 for 15 hours of work... doesn't pay.

So... that is what's on my mind at the moment. :) I don't regret plugging the hours into these photos. Like I said, I am happy with the outcome (which you can get a peak of on my flickr if you click the photo), it is just something I need to think about for the future. :)

Ugh, it is so late. And my eyes burn from all this computer-starring.

Hope you are having a lovely morning/afternoon/evening, dear reader(s)! :)

p.s. is "photosession" one word or two? what a bother.

Sunlight Waits

It is past 3 a.m. in Idaho, but I am still awake.

Apparently I love sleep deprivation and an endless cycle of pain. :P

This is just a short post to share a favorite photo with you, my single reader, Bethy. :) ha ha, and anyone else who drops by. :)

Sunlight Waits, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele
This photo is particularly meaningful to me tonight (this morning) because it partially captures this strange place I am in. I can see the sunlight at the top of the stairs (happiness in Okinawa), but the stairs themselves are covered in stuff, overgrown, creaky... a little terrifying.

There is so much to do to prepare, and I don't even want to think about the goodbyes...though the mental slide show of faces keeps me up at night.

Summer

Summer, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

I need to create a photography website, but am completely lost.
Any suggestions?

ee!

Something Special

Thatcher's bench, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

Inspiration Returned. :)

Thatcher took me to his aunt's the other day, and she has this lovely old house in Ballard which is full of antiques. I whipped out my camera and stole a few photos, and the lighting, the setting, the mood was so perfect.
I wish I had even more time to photograph every inspiring detail. Maybe he will take me back there. :)

Click on the photo for a few more, or visit my flickr.

I want to tell you how I feel.

about this moment

about this week

graduation

goodbye

japan

but all

I can choke out

through this awful mess

is "I'm Sorry" and "Someday"

I want to be real.

To Maintain Sanity (or what is left thereof)

End of Year To-Do:

Complete the Talon!
Finals
-Methods Curriculum: write two justifications. Due tonight.
-Reading/Writing Essay Final
-Am Div Final Discussion: prep
-Methods Philosophy Paper
JET
-Find doctor who takes insurance. Make appointment.
- Get full physical. Pay for it??
-FBI background check
-IRS form
Start/finish independent study
-Read Five Chapters
--Chapter 3
--Chapter 4
--Chapter 5
--Chapter 6
--Chapter 7
-Write Five Chapter Papers
--Chapter 3
--Chapter 4
--Chapter 5
--Chapter 6
-Design an entire test with no classroom instruction. Sweet.
-Write Philosophy Paper
Moving
-Sort Stuff: To Take, To Store, To Sell/Give Away
-----Kitchen Stuff
-Yard/Living Room Sale
-boxes, boxes, boxes

Tulip Time :)

My brother is the sweetest guy on the planet. He knew I enjoyed the Tulip Festival last year, and that I didn't have anyone to take me this year, so he organized a little Tulip Event for us to go with a group of his friends.
Other than the traffic (don't get me started), we had a really great time. :) I wish I knew these lovely ladies a little better, but I am glad they are taking care of my lil bro. As for Paul... well, he's just great. :)It was such a lovely day, too. I am so glad we got out and enjoyed it. It is so easy to get discouraged with all the photography stuff, but I am ready to change my attitude about that. To heck with the pros and the cliches and the expectations. I take photos because I love it, because it is my favorite form of expression, because life is beautiful, despite, and through, the imperfections.

more photos

A small prayer

As much fun and as freeing as it is to be single--and believe me, it is--on days like today, when my body aches and my spirit is low, I remember that I really do want that other thing.

Yeah, that relationship thing.

I want someone to care about me when I am not vibrant with charm, twirling about the dance floor with confidence, or bouncing about exuding happiness. I want more than friendship. More than dating. More than this nothing.

God, I am acting out of obedience to you. I am leaving my friends, family, life here as you have called me to do, as I have know I would do since I was 11. I know that you will provide in your time, but I feel like I have waited so long already. Please bless me, Dear Father. Please let me be loved.

A Receptionist's Dilemma

On Saturday mornings such as this one, I work at a small chiropractic office just a few minutes from home. While sitting at this computer, I greet a variety of patients--couples, families, lawyers, insurance brokers, students--and I can't help but be a little curious about their lives. As they stretch and fill out paperwork, we usually exchange a few words, gradually getting acquainted through the weeks. Some patients are more civil than others and some are downright friendly: I can't help but look forward to their appointments more than the others.

One such woman, I will call her S, has only been coming in for about two months, but she is so spunky and chatty that I already know her better than those I have seen every Saturday for a year. She is a thin, older, organic-only woman who always sort of wooshes up to the counter, squintingly smiles at me, calls me "dear," and strikes up an animated conversation about the weather, her weekend, dancing. She loves that I dance and says she has always wanted to try it herself. So two weeks ago I gave her the website for Century Ballroom and encouraged her to check it out.

The next week, S came with another woman, introduced her as her roommate, and started to tell her about Century. The woman also seemed interested, but a little concerned.

"But would they mind? If we danced together?"

As the realization of their relationship sunk in, I smiled and said of course not--there is a female couple in my lindy lesson, and I even lead my friends sometimes. Inwardly, I was surprised at how easy it was to respond.

Through the rest of their time in the waiting room, I talked and laughed with them and watched the way they interacted. They joke about how they have lived together so long, fifteen years, that they sound like each other, and are even starting to sound like their parents. They tease each other and laugh at themselves. They genuinely care for each other.

So, how do I react to these women? How should I feel about them? If I had the opportunity to tell them about Christ, how would I do it? I know that the issue of homosexuality is a particularly live one, and I have taken some small time to consider it and confirm the mainstream opinion of the church, that homosexuality is a choice, a sin. But is that really right? And what does that mean in everyday life?

I know that I should these women as, as his unique creation who he loves, and see the 'sin' as something separate, but is that really possible? And can I even really see the relationship between these women as something evil?

Strangely, a part of me feels like I should be judging these women--like that is the right thing to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Have I become too accustomed to the things 'of this world?' Am I so used to seeing men walking around capitol hill holding hands that it doesn't faze me anymore? Or is there more to this?

Japan = New Blog

I am in! Woo hoo!! Goin' to Japan-uh huh, uh huh!

So I have a new blog: http://genkigaijingirl.blogspot.com/

The title is a work in progress. :) I plan to continue posting non-JET stuff here, but we will see how things go.
Follow my Japan blog!

Excitement Factors

What I am looking forward to in Japan
-sushi, duh
-adventure
-blogs worth reading
-a good excuse to post excessive stati (he he) and video updates. I love video updates, but who wants to watch them when I am just talking about the most recent book I read or yet another night of swing dancing? But culture shock and adventures on the other side of the world? Now that is worth watching.
-sushi.


p.s. No, I don't know for sure whether I am going, but how can I look at all these promising eggs and NOT anticipate chickens??

learning, cleaning

At the end of a very full, very exhausting conference I ponder this thing called literature.
How can a simple story, parable, novel, phrase prod so much research, introspection.

I just, just--as in the moment before I clicked my "blogger" button--finished The Secret Life of Bees. Today alone I read about half of it. I sat at the reception desk at my doc's office: reading. I waited for my adjustment: reading. I walked all the way back to campus: reading. I even walked my bike up from the dorm bike racks... you guessed it...
My nanny kids were a little upset with me this afternoon when I couldn't pull my nose out of this book to play with them every moment, but I did manage to rip myself away every so often to tickle Sammy, chase Brendan. The book was, is, just so, so GOOD.

I need to re-read it to fully grasp what this thing in the pages that is pulling at my chest, draining out my tears, but I already know that it is what I need. It is brokenness, I have so much, and it is love, I want so badly. And more.

For now, though, I am going to clean, because that is what I do. A busy little cleaning bee.

The inner edge gradually engulfs the soft-fuzzy exterior.

I don't know whether I want to break out or implode. I want to love Jesus, for sure, and live for him but I feel like I am closer to moral melt-down than missionary status.
I am exhausted from fighting off my sinful nature every day. I fight and fight...
I do.
Why is it so hard to give up control? Of course I can't make it long on my own. *sigh* Sunday school answers hitting hard once again.

In reality, I am far from any sort of major faith catastrophe, but I am just so sick of numb, or worse.

mehhhhhhhhhhhh

curious stranger

curious stranger, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This little guy made my weekend--coming up to say hello during a photo shoot. :) See my flickr for another pic of him in B&W.