Story Time

2010-06-14T22:42:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering why seeing status updates and pictures from my old friends, my old life, often cause me pangs of pain. I've realized that part of it is simple jealousy, but part of it is that the place in their lives that I used to occupy is being filled. I guess I kinda thought that my absence would be more like a vacuum than a blank canvas, but soon there will be no white left at all.

That's a good thing though, right?

these are some times.

2010-06-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I stop running myself ragged; sometimes I stop filling my life with noise, activity, chaos.

Sometimes I sit in silence.

I close my eyes, and sometimes,

sometimes.

Sometimes in the silence something, somewhere inside me

screams

Why are you here?? WHY are you doing this?

Sometimes, only sometimes, I can't answer

It's probably a good thing I can't visit home this summer.

Avoidance

2010-02-16T05:33:00.000-08:00

I started watching online tv when I came to Japan as a way to deal with culture shock, loneliness, boredom.

It has consumed the better part of my life now. It is an addiction. A very real and powerful one.

I am so caught up in this online entertainment pseudo-life, that I am barely living in the real one.

I am not facing my issues, not facing conflict, not facing the real difficulty and beauty of life here. I am numbing it. Numbing everything.

Reality has become too much to face now. I am afraid to turn it off.

I'm a Creep.

2009-12-16T23:44:00.000-08:00

warning: adult language

http://www.noob.us/entertainment/homeless-guy-does-awesome-cover-of-creep/

Something about the way he sings this song is totally enrapturing. I can't stop listening to it.

4 a.m.

2009-07-17T02:56:00.001-07:00

TTD 5: Just a Glance, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

I updated my flickr with some photos from Martha's Trash the Dress session. We had such a blast!

This photo is one of my favorites --despite the poor vignetting. I so desperately need and desire photoshop software... soon I will have money. soon.

:) Anyways, I should sleep. I have been on the computer MUCH too long today.

Goodnight, all!

Photosession Ponderings

2009-06-16T23:03:00.001-07:00

Thief, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This is my youth pastor's darling baby, Kendra. I did a photoshoot with her and her two siblings for a couple hours on Sunday night and had a total blast! We shot in their yard (which just borders forest land--lots of trees and flowers!) and then in their living room with the best overcast lighting coming in their giant windows and a satin sheet spread out on the carpet. :) Talk about your make-shift studio!

I am extremely happy with the outcome. This is my first paid child/baby photoshoot, and i was pretty nervous. Plus, my poor over used camera has been crying for maintenance which I simply can't afford. However, I walked away with over 600 photos to sort through, and will proudly award them with about 250 tomorrow. Not bad. :)

However, I did spend about... oh... nine... ten? hours in the last two days editing these photos! That is a LOT of time! And only 60 of them are edited as fully as I prefer. Ugh.

I get totally carried away in the process and five or six hours can pass by without notice, but then at the end of the day, as I sit here looking back on my day, I have to grimace. Ten hours? I don't have that time to spare!

Finances are also a serious issue here... I love this family and I am happy to go the extra mile for them. They have done so much for me throughout our time together, and they cooked me a lovely meal after the photoshoot to top it all! BUT, I need to really consider the amount of time I can spare, and the amount of money I should charge, because for just anybody, $50 for 15 hours of work... doesn't pay.

So... that is what's on my mind at the moment. :) I don't regret plugging the hours into these photos. Like I said, I am happy with the outcome (which you can get a peak of on my flickr if you click the photo), it is just something I need to think about for the future. :)

Ugh, it is so late. And my eyes burn from all this computer-starring.

Hope you are having a lovely morning/afternoon/evening, dear reader(s)! :)

p.s. is "photosession" one word or two? what a bother.

Sunlight Waits

2009-06-04T02:11:00.001-07:00

It is past 3 a.m. in Idaho, but I am still awake.

Apparently I love sleep deprivation and an endless cycle of pain. :P

This is just a short post to share a favorite photo with you, my single reader, Bethy. :) ha ha, and anyone else who drops by. :)

Sunlight Waits, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele
This photo is particularly meaningful to me tonight (this morning) because it partially captures this strange place I am in. I can see the sunlight at the top of the stairs (happiness in Okinawa), but the stairs themselves are covered in stuff, overgrown, creaky... a little terrifying.

There is so much to do to prepare, and I don't even want to think about the goodbyes...though the mental slide show of faces keeps me up at night.

Summer

2009-05-29T00:09:00.001-07:00

Summer, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

I need to create a photography website, but am completely lost.
Any suggestions?

ee!

Something Special

2009-05-21T01:05:00.001-07:00

Thatcher's bench, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

Inspiration Returned. :)

Thatcher took me to his aunt's the other day, and she has this lovely old house in Ballard which is full of antiques. I whipped out my camera and stole a few photos, and the lighting, the setting, the mood was so perfect.
I wish I had even more time to photograph every inspiring detail. Maybe he will take me back there. :)

Click on the photo for a few more, or visit my flickr.

2009-05-06T05:08:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you how I feel.

about this moment

about this week

graduation

goodbye

japan

but all

I can choke out

through this awful mess

is "I'm Sorry" and "Someday"

2009-04-28T16:27:00.001-07:00

I want to be real.

To Maintain Sanity (or what is left thereof)

2009-04-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

End of Year To-Do:

~~Complete the Talon!~~
~~Finals~~
~~-Methods Curriculum: write two justifications. Due tonight.~~
~~-Reading/Writing Essay Final~~
~~-Am Div Final Discussion: prep~~
~~-Methods Philosophy Paper~~
JET
~~-Find doctor who takes insurance. Make appointment.~~
~~- Get full physical. Pay for it??~~
~~-FBI background check~~
-IRS form
Start/finish independent study
~~-Read Five Chapters~~
--Chapter 3
--Chapter 4
--Chapter 5
--Chapter 6
~~--Chapter 7~~
-Write Five Chapter Papers
--Chapter 3
--Chapter 4
--Chapter 5
--Chapter 6
-Design an entire test with no classroom instruction. Sweet.
-Write Philosophy Paper
Moving
~~-Sort Stuff: To Take, To Store, To Sell/Give Away~~
-----Kitchen Stuff
~~-Yard/Living Room Sale~~
-boxes, boxes, boxes

Tulip Time :)

2009-04-26T00:08:00.001-07:00

My brother is the sweetest guy on the planet. He knew I enjoyed the Tulip Festival last year, and that I didn't have anyone to take me this year, so he organized a little Tulip Event for us to go with a group of his friends.
Other than the traffic (don't get me started), we had a really great time. :) I wish I knew these lovely ladies a little better, but I am glad they are taking care of my lil bro. As for Paul... well, he's just great. :)It was such a lovely day, too. I am so glad we got out and enjoyed it. It is so easy to get discouraged with all the photography stuff, but I am ready to change my attitude about that. To heck with the pros and the cliches and the expectations. I take photos because I love it, because it is my favorite form of expression, because life is beautiful, despite, and through, the imperfections.

more photos

A small prayer

2009-04-22T17:51:00.001-07:00

As much fun and as freeing as it is to be single--and believe me, it is--on days like today, when my body aches and my spirit is low, I remember that I really do want that other thing.

Yeah, that relationship thing.

I want someone to care about me when I am not vibrant with charm, twirling about the dance floor with confidence, or bouncing about exuding happiness. I want more than friendship. More than dating. More than this nothing.

God, I am acting out of obedience to you. I am leaving my friends, family, life here as you have called me to do, as I have know I would do since I was 11. I know that you will provide in your time, but I feel like I have waited so long already. Please bless me, Dear Father. Please let me be loved.

A Receptionist's Dilemma

2009-04-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

On Saturday mornings such as this one, I work at a small chiropractic office just a few minutes from home. While sitting at this computer, I greet a variety of patients--couples, families, lawyers, insurance brokers, students--and I can't help but be a little curious about their lives. As they stretch and fill out paperwork, we usually exchange a few words, gradually getting acquainted through the weeks. Some patients are more civil than others and some are downright friendly: I can't help but look forward to their appointments more than the others.

One such woman, I will call her S, has only been coming in for about two months, but she is so spunky and chatty that I already know her better than those I have seen every Saturday for a year. She is a thin, older, organic-only woman who always sort of wooshes up to the counter, squintingly smiles at me, calls me "dear," and strikes up an animated conversation about the weather, her weekend, dancing. She loves that I dance and says she has always wanted to try it herself. So two weeks ago I gave her the website for Century Ballroom and encouraged her to check it out.

The next week, S came with another woman, introduced her as her roommate, and started to tell her about Century. The woman also seemed interested, but a little concerned.

"But would they mind? If we danced together?"

As the realization of their relationship sunk in, I smiled and said of course not--there is a female couple in my lindy lesson, and I even lead my friends sometimes. Inwardly, I was surprised at how easy it was to respond.

Through the rest of their time in the waiting room, I talked and laughed with them and watched the way they interacted. They joke about how they have lived together so long, fifteen years, that they sound like each other, and are even starting to sound like their parents. They tease each other and laugh at themselves. They genuinely care for each other.

So, how do I react to these women? How should I feel about them? If I had the opportunity to tell them about Christ, how would I do it? I know that the issue of homosexuality is a particularly live one, and I have taken some small time to consider it and confirm the mainstream opinion of the church, that homosexuality is a choice, a sin. But is that really right? And what does that mean in everyday life?

I know that I should these women as, as his unique creation who he loves, and see the 'sin' as something separate, but is that really possible? And can I even really see the relationship between these women as something evil?

Strangely, a part of me feels like I should be judging these women--like that is the right thing to do, but I can't bring myself to do it.

Have I become too accustomed to the things 'of this world?' Am I so used to seeing men walking around capitol hill holding hands that it doesn't faze me anymore? Or is there more to this?

Japan = New Blog

2009-04-11T01:41:00.000-07:00

I am in! Woo hoo!! Goin' to Japan-uh huh, uh huh!

So I have a new blog: http://genkigaijingirl.blogspot.com/

The title is a work in progress. :) I plan to continue posting non-JET stuff here, but we will see how things go.
Follow my Japan blog!

Excitement Factors

2009-03-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

What I am looking forward to in Japan
-sushi, duh
-adventure
-blogs worth reading
-a good excuse to post excessive stati (he he) and video updates. I love video updates, but who wants to watch them when I am just talking about the most recent book I read or yet another night of swing dancing? But culture shock and adventures on the other side of the world? Now that is worth watching.
-sushi.

p.s. No, I don't know for sure whether I am going, but how can I look at all these promising eggs and NOT anticipate chickens??

learning, cleaning

2009-03-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

At the end of a very full, very exhausting conference I ponder this thing called literature.
How can a simple story, parable, novel, phrase prod so much research, introspection.

I just, just--as in the moment before I clicked my "blogger" button--finished The Secret Life of Bees. Today alone I read about half of it. I sat at the reception desk at my doc's office: reading. I waited for my adjustment: reading. I walked all the way back to campus: reading. I even walked my bike up from the dorm bike racks... you guessed it...
My nanny kids were a little upset with me this afternoon when I couldn't pull my nose out of this book to play with them every moment, but I did manage to rip myself away every so often to tickle Sammy, chase Brendan. The book was, is, just so, so GOOD.

I need to re-read it to fully grasp what this thing in the pages that is pulling at my chest, draining out my tears, but I already know that it is what I need. It is brokenness, I have so much, and it is love, I want so badly. And more.

For now, though, I am going to clean, because that is what I do. A busy little cleaning bee.

The inner edge gradually engulfs the soft-fuzzy exterior.

2009-03-16T23:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether I want to break out or implode. I want to love Jesus, for sure, and live for him but I feel like I am closer to moral melt-down than missionary status.
I am exhausted from fighting off my sinful nature every day. I fight and fight...
I do.
Why is it so hard to give up control? Of course I can't make it long on my own. *sigh* Sunday school answers hitting hard once again.

In reality, I am far from any sort of major faith catastrophe, but I am just so sick of numb, or worse.

mehhhhhhhhhhhh

curious stranger

2009-02-25T22:30:00.001-08:00

curious stranger, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This little guy made my weekend--coming up to say hello during a photo shoot. :) See my flickr for another pic of him in B&W.

2009-02-23T02:35:00.000-08:00

I kind of want to stab myself in the eye at the moment. Don't ask why.

On the other hand, my Palestinian pen pal wrote me back! yay!

And Lisa and I had a super fun photo shoot around Seattle. double yay!

Life is beautiful, even if I don't deserve the eyes to see it.

recovering :)

2009-02-15T23:52:00.000-08:00

Ah.... smell that? that is... scent! For the first time in a week I can smell! I owe it all to these incredible Vaseline Tissues. Have you ever heard of such ingenuity?? seriously.

I haven't really done anything but watch old episodes of Scrubs and chick flicks this weekend, and it is paying off! I am going to be better. I am.

Interview is wednesday. So excited! I will be healthy, well-dressed, well-slept, and prepared by then. I will.

Now I am watching more Scrubs and getting ready for bed. My mind isn't functional enough to actually make a point, yet, but at least I am not as crazy as Dr. Cox. ha ha oh... Dr. Cox. :)

hi!

2009-02-06T02:37:00.000-08:00

My back is BURNING right now (can you die from icy hot?), and I am still TOTALLY jazzed up from the concert (Broken Social Scene--Canadian indy, eh?), so I am going to say hi! HI!

Ooh, know what else? I might dance three nights in a row! Kind of insane? Yes. But, totally worth it. At least it will get my mind off of JET-anxiety for a bit. :)

ehhh. For some reason that fact that I haven't touched my camera in 2 weeks and need to furnish an entire paper's worth of photos just come to mind... shoot. :(

Welp. on that stressful note. I am going to go... dance?
yea, dance. 2:40 is ripe for rockin'!

Terrifying Telephone

2009-02-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call today which stopped my heart.
An unknown number, a friendly message, and instant panic.

The message was from Lynn (sp?) from the JET program. She isn't a frightening person, I have met her two or three times and she is always lovely, but her message couldn't have frightened me more. Nothing to designate the reason for the call, nothing to indicate her intended message, only the words, "call at your earliest convenience. I will be in the office until 6 tonight." BUT WHY???

Suddenly, I knew there had been some mistake. Clearly, she re-examined my application and decided that I never should have passed the paper stage. I am doooooommmmmed.
So I called her back. No answer.

I waited.

I called again. No answer.

I waited. I ran errands. I lost track of time. Shoot! She said before six! So at 5:50 I called again. An answer!

And, just as Suzan (my advisor/life-saver) reassured me when I called her panicked, it was nothing bad at all. Turns out that my appointed interview time is the very first of the session, and so Lynn was calling me to make sure I was okay with that and to let me know what that means. Apparently, all the other interview boards of the day will be in the room during my interview, observing and learning the interview process. Staring at me. Blankly. Yea... not intimidating at all. However, Lynn put a positive spin on things: she will be a friendly face in the room, as will Suzan, and otherwise it would just be me and three strangers. *whew*

So, I am still terribly intimidated about the interview in general, extra intimidated about nine extra faces in the room, but excited to get the interview out of the way as soon as possible so I can wait anxiously for two exruciating months!

Wait a minute... :P

That said, here is my class blog for the week:

What is the best way to overcome the fear of writing?
The best way to overcome writing is, in brief, to write.
To write for fun.
To write without purpose.
To write without editing.
To write about life, and about pain, and about the simple moments of life.

What can I do in the classroom that will help students address their fears/anxieties about writing?
Let them get to it--encourage open, free writing which eliminates the stigmas and to give assignments which foster growth through exploration and freedom. A.k.a. utalize that free write method I keep reading so much about. :-)

The C word.

2009-02-02T02:15:00.001-08:00

I am confused.

Confused by an acquaintance who would bother to "cut me out" when we have exchanged nothing but pleasantries.

Confused by this driving need to be accepted.

Confused by a friend who I care deeply about, who fought for our friendship when I didn't think I could ever look at her again, who I have been through so much with, and who can no longer make time to spend an hour with me.

Confused by how much that hurts.

Confused by this overwhelming wish to start over.

Confused by various completely contradictory desires.

Confused by the very nature of relationships.

Confused by my insensitivity.

Confused by my inability to fall for the One who won't crush me for once, though I see His beauty every day.

Confused by the pain.

Confused by my heart.

Confused by joy.

Confused.

So terribly confused.

Hello, Palestine.

2009-01-27T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am so about my new pen pal! For one of my TESL classes, Professor Kobashigawa is working with her friend, Debbie, in Palestine to pair us up with Palestianian students to email. My pen pal is named Maysoon and I am going to send her an email tonight! I cannot wait to hear about her life and share my life with her, but I am also nervous. I started to read Debbie's blog and am already recognizing how terribly sheltered my life is, how thoroughly my worldview will be challenged, and how much my heart will break for this woman, for those people.

More in that familiar theme I have been blogging about. God is really working to break down my cultural barriers, eh? I know he is preparing me for something huge after graduation, I hope I can keep up!

blahdey blah-blah

2009-01-25T16:42:00.001-08:00

I already journaled most of my TESL stuff for this week so I am going to blog about... something! Yay!

he he.

It is snowing. Did you know that? I did. Because if it sticks at all, it may ruin my plans tonight. But, so far, the roads look pretty good. I.must.dance! I didn't go last night, because I took a nap and lost all motivation.

I need to study. The problem with a light course load is that there is no fear. The looming panic of last semester forced productivity but now it is like, "who cares? I have like 2* classes." *exaggeration

(subject change) I am so thankful for the honor of worshiping at University Presbyterian Church. I have finally gotten into a little routine there and feel quite at ease. I am learning more and more names, and every new person I encounter is wonderfully friendly. My heart is happy. I just wish Beth were there. So does someone else (who won't shut up about it. ;P)

Today, my routine progressed as usual: wake up before the sun, carpool to Seattle, prepare bagel/cream cheese, warm up, sing 1st service, Starbucks, sing 2nd service... but here the routine ended. You see, usually, I sit through the 2nd service to hear the sermon, but today, the four cups of coffee made a rapid exit quite necessary. So, instead of sitting with my fellow choir members, I ended up in the foyer with the stragglers catching the sermon over the speakers. This situation worked for and against me. I enjoyed my seat, grabbed a(nother) cup of coffee, and relaxed away from public view, but then I noticed the children. Everywhere around me were the cutest kids of varying ages and, predictably, I couldn't keep my eyes off of them. *sigh* You see, for years now I have had a biological, chemical, uncontrollable response to little ones. Friends have referred to it as "quivering ovaries" (sorry, awkward) but I think it is just pre-maternal instinct. :P

So, I caught snipets of the sermon and appreciated the great word brought by the lovely (female-yay!) associate pastor, but mostly my eyes welled up with pure longing. Pretty silly, pretty pathetic, but this is my outlet for honesty so I am just gonna be straight with ya: I wanna be a mommy.

*ahem* changing the subject... I am supposed to be studying right now, but you already know why I am not. I better get motivated or I am going to be in big trouble this semester! my final one! woootz

p.s. I may miss graduating with honors by .004 points on my GPA. I hate French.

2009-01-21T18:42:00.000-08:00

I love tracking themes throughout my classes, conversations, life. It really seems as though we operate within some form of collective unconscious, or perhaps it is just my single conscious that pinpoints these themes and stores them up for contemplation.

This week, the week of M.L.K. and Yes We Can, I contemplate what Julia calls "worldview collisions." I have collided worldviews quite often in my short 21 years. From elementary with mostly Mexican immigrants, to wrestling calves with wranglered cowboys, to getting the smack down on the reservation, to barely-tolerant Idahoan small towners, to excessively cool and refreshingly diverse Seattle, my little worldview is barely able to repair itself before crashing with another. Now, I am preparing for the biggest collision of all, and I can't wait! For, indeed, how CAN we grow outside of these collisions? If I sit here on the cozy lil NU campus forever, my subconscious stereotypes and prejudices are likely to never be erradicated.

All these thoughts swirling. Still not making much sense... but it is nice to get them out somehow.

In other random news, I am in the process of selling one of my photos! A total stranger on facebook sought me out because he saw that photo on a mutual friend's page and wants to buy it! I am still trying to figure out how much to charge, etc., but I am thrilled and incredibly proud. I posted a few extra pictures on my flickr page if anybody wants to see them.

If any of you want to buy prints from me, just let me know. ;) I will make you a sweet deal.

Alright, off to the homework world now, I suppose. I need to read the right book for class so I can wirte a paper on it this weekend.

Tomorrow, I dance. :D

My Vanity

2009-01-20T20:06:00.000-08:00

In my Teaching Reading for ESL class today, I learned that I read the majority of the wrong (dull, dry, boring) book. LAME. The actual required text is pretty interesting and engaging. Now I have to read it and write a paper on the right text by next week. *sigh*
Silly me.

Ehhh, I am so over-committed. I already dropped a frivolous class and quit the play (:( ) but I still don't feel like I can get it all done in the next three months. Arg! I want to dance tomorrow... but I have to design my photo journal, finish all the photo editing, make some money, and do homework. Sad. I guess I will have to wait until Thursday. ;)

I need to blog more often for my Writing class so here are the rest of this week's questions:

What methods have worked for me?
My writing always improves when I read good literature. This directly relates to what we discussed in Teaching Reading class today, but it really is applicable. For instance, when I started reading excellent blogs, like Debbie's, Michelle's, etc, my own blogging improved.

I also benefit from freestyle writing exercise, or stream-of-consciousness writing. It forces my thoughts out onto paper so I don't get hung up on the little details. Then I am free to return to editing later. This may not always be effective with ESL students, but it could force them to move away from their dictionaries and experiment with the English language.

What are my likes and dislikes about writing?
I love to tell stories. Memoir is probably my favorite creative writing genre. I suppose I am pretty vain to assume that people want to hear about my life, but I just love to tell about it. I tend to be a bit facetious, so my memoirs may be a tad more fictional than literal, but I try to stay true to the spirit of the events. ;)

As per academic writing, I guess what I really enjoy is the formulas. Often times I see academic assignments more as a math assignment than a creative expression. I get a thrill out of breaking apart a problem or assignment and attacking and solving it. I am not sure I am attacking this particular question very well, though.

Well, friends, I hope you don't mind my using this blog as the outlet for my TESL blogs, but at least this will guarantee that I will actually post once in awhile, and I will try to include something profound or clever once in awhile. Not that I should assume you want to hear what I have to say.. ah, there goes that vanity again.
Happy Inaguration Day! (I cried when he walked down the street... oh, if only I could blog about THAT.)

Writing and Me

2009-01-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Hello lovely friends,
Today is just what I needed. After work, Beth and I made breakfast (so good) and then snuggled up to watch YouTube videos. So much fun!
Other than that.. I have done next to nothing. ;) Sarah and her friend Danielle stopped by for a bit, I checked Facebook about nine hundred times, and I am currently watching "The Sister Act."
I have felt so alive the last couple of days. Dancing every night, making great friends, getting out and having adventures, enjoying my classes, excelling at work, ignoring the newspaper... but now it is time for reality. The reality is: I need to somehow take a bunch of photos by Monday. eck. It is also time for serious homeworking.

One aspect of that homeworking will take place here: in my blog. For "Teaching Writing for ESL" we are to keep a journal so I am going to post it here. Feel free to read or not. I will be writing about other, life stuff, too. :)

What are my strengths in writing?
I consider my academic writing style to be concise and clear. Whenever possible I prefer to write the minimum requirement and express my point without superfluous information.
Through blogging I have developed the skill of storytelling. Friends have commented on the conversation tone of my blogs and my ability to express my joy for life. I trust my friends' opinions.

What are my weaknesses in writing?
While I consider brevity a strength, it may also serve as a weakness. Often, writing tasks require elaboration which I often don't provide.

Wow, that was dry. :) But at least it answers the questions.

How will I improve my writing skills?
I want to get better by reading more excellent literature--learning from the pros--and writing more often. Oh, and paying attention to what and how I write (Except for within this blog. :P)

More of that "Something Special"

2009-01-14T01:58:00.000-08:00

I have had an excellent (yester)day (as detailed in my MySpace/Facebook blogs) and these wonderful (re)discoveries added to that joy:

1. I DO want more than mediocrity. Sarah, hello dear love, has been encouraging me to seek more, to want greater, to seek for more than I am settling for in my relationships, my life, my character, and, finally, it is taking root. I want to surround myself with people who, like Sarah, want more for themselves, and for me. Hence the "Done with "friends" who aren't really" blog. This week, I have not only removed the hindrances to my growth, but I have recognized more of those people in my life who allow me, help me to grow. People who, to some degree, encourage me to be more, better, stronger, more Godly. Thank you, Friends.

2. I am not afraid of getting sick of sushi (it is just too darn good), I am not (that) afraid of the culture shock, I am definitely not afraid of karaoke, but I am afraid of an experience like this (from The Water is Wide by Pat Conroy):
"Even though I was on Yamacraw, I was not of Yamacraw. My first overtures of frienships with the people on the island, although not rebuffed, failed to win me any friends wth whom I felt completely comfortable.... The loneliness was beginning to shred my nerves.... By placing myself on Yamacraw , I was denying my natural gregariousness and my compulsive need for good friends" (102-103).
Conroy describes his experience teaching on a remote, isolated, culturally-distinct island off the coast of S. Carolina. Not exactly suburban Japan. But he said it exactly.
I don't want to be alone. I don't mean romantically (that is a whole other beast) but relationally, in any way. I cherish relationships; I thrive on interaction; I, naturally, need people. Sure, I will make friends, eventually, but I can't help but recognize the immense cultural and ideological barriers which stand in the way of that real relationship I crave. Even if the Japanese people like me, they aren't likely to accept me. Even if I am placed with other Westerners, they aren't likely to be Christians....likely. There is a chance I could be completely wrong, but that hardly matters. Isn't that the way of fear? It breeds on probability.
And past experience.

3. I need Jesus. Yep, knew that. But I (re)realized it. This fresh realization may even require a presence in chapel... we shall see. ;)

4. I also need to go to bed before 2 a.m. if any of the above is going to make any kind of difference. :P Sleep, then life-changes. That is my new motto.

So, to you all, a happy, fresh, lovely, joyful, good night,

The Inner Ring of Swing

2009-01-12T02:31:00.000-08:00

In the swing world there are levels--a hierarchy of sorts. In the first couple of months, I progressed rapidly through the ranks. It seemed I had a knack for this dance thing and each time I went back I had improved dramatically. Then, I hit the platau of death. I don't feel much improved since... Oh, August. It can be quite discouraging.
To make matter worse, I feel like I have been on the fringe of the inner circle for months. I've been dancing around the edges, peering in at the glamor and skill of the Anointed Ones, ocassionally glimpsing their world through a stolen dance, and unexpected hello.

Tonight, one of Them, a Swing Diva if you will, invited me to her birthday party. Oh, I am sooo in. I feel like the nerd who just got invited to the homecoming party by the head cheerleader. heh.

The coolest part is that we are going to "Lindy Bomb" Seattle. In other words, we are going to dance out in the rain, on the streets, in a busy area... to, of course, overwhelming applause. People of Seattle, prepare to be wowed!

*eee* I am absurdly excited!! I hope I am as "on" as I was tonight. Nothing could stop me! :) Nothing WILL stop me.
*maniacial laugh*
:)

2009-01-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

I am soooo done. Done with "friends" who aren't really.
Done with lying to myself.
Done with false fulfillment.
Done. done. DONE.

Goodbye, lies.

2009-01-06T23:03:00.000-08:00

I can't blog.
SO many words. All of them with stage fright.

Just know that I was low, but He has raised me up.

Time to be transformed.

p.s. I am pretty sure that French class screwed up my chances to wear a pretty rope at graduation. Damn.

Friendship Reminisence. :)

2008-12-18T00:33:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking lately about the transitory nature of relationships--about how dramatically my social sphere has shifted over the last four years, and how dramatically it will shift in the next four--and I feel a little lonely.

Though I am sure there will be fulfilling relationships in my life, it is unsettling and uncomfortable to recognize that I have no control over them. To some extent, I can make an intentional effort and foster relationships I care about, but there are way too many other factors at play. I probably won't even be living in this country, for one. Kind of a big one.

It also made me feel a bit nostalgic. Even beyond high school, there are friends from freshman, sophomore, even junior year that I never even speak with anymore.

One such person is named Lisa. From my old myspace comments (yea.. i went back and read a bunch) I know we considered each other friends once, but now we are just passing acquaintances.

Well, she is also one of my super-buddy's roommates and tonight we re-bonded over procrastination, boy horror stories, facebook, and pointless giggles. We exchanged numbers (oo la la) and made plans to bake in high heels next semester (Don't ask).

Strange how a funny little interaction can buoy me up. :) yea for a new-old friend!

/randomness

epic procrastination

2008-12-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

What I did instead of studying for my French final (which starts in two hours)
-slept in
-had breakfast with friends
-Went to starbucks
-stared at a wall
-revised a paper
-went to Mahoney's
-danced until 1 a.m.
-slept in
-took my time getting ready
-made breakfast
-read blogs
-typed this blog
-watched YouTube videos
-revised this blog
So long, G.P.A.

End of Semester To Do

2008-12-11T10:35:00.000-08:00

I know it is sometimes annoying when people post To Do lists on blogs... but I am going to do it anyways. :P

-Study for Brit Lit.: Final Monday.
-Study for French: Final Wednesday.
-Write Student Population Paper for TESL: research Japanese view of Education/English, research history of Japan, write paper. Due Monday: 4 pages.
-Write Final for TESL: choose favorite aspects of all theories and practices. Correlate into paper. Due Friday: 3-4 pages
-Complete profile of place for Advanced Expos: visit Mahoney's, observe, write, edit. Due Wednesday: +2 pages
-Write Final Paper for Literary Theory: choose a topic..., formulate thesis, write, cower, beg, write, die, have panic attack, write, edit if possible, turn in with a healthy dose of fear. Due Wednesday: 10 pages.

Total: 2 tests and about 20 pages. Not too shabby.

Yeah, I am not going to make it... that last paper... crap.

Strange and Aloof

2008-12-05T17:53:00.000-08:00

A journal/observation assignment for Brit Lit. Kinda fun. :)

We successfully study at my apartment for about an hour before the silence and bareness become painfully distracting. We, My Strange Friend and I, need utter only one word: Mahoney’s.
I plink down and he plops, ordering our favorites from memory and recognizing The Waitress’s smile. Shadowy regulars and giggly familiars fill each booth, glasses raised and lowered, orders sung and carried. Football glares from every wall, miming the week’s failures and accomplishments.
Across from us, I spot a familiar pair. His hair is still too long and hers is too short— That Couple shuffles chess pieces across the board. I know their history and guess their future: tumultuous. Each smile betrays dozens of frowns, tears, and “headaches.” Under buttery lamps, he melts into the booth. She, crisp brown hair flipping, commands the conversation, draining compliments from his pale lips. Behind them, The Trendy Two gesticulate dramatically, white teeth glancing off black-framed glasses. Their past is as mysterious to me as her real hair color, but I like to imagine their wedding. I can’t picture her in white.
The fries arrive, steaming, and we dig in greedily. My Strange Friend claimed he wasn’t very hungry, but manages to eat significantly more than his portion before I can make a dent. My growls don’t scare him much anymore. Shame. He continues to relate to me the tragedy of Ex-Girlfriend The Second, and I feign interest in his metaphysical poetry diary. I hope he wasn’t this open with her, though that would certainly explain things.
Before long, a new friend, Mr. Aloof, joins us. His chillness gives me shivers, and I resolve to crack him. I lean forward and ask about his classes, his recent performance, even theology, but his arms remain welded to his puffy chest. Mr. Aloof does not even pink at overt flirtation. Something is off there.
The guys go out to walk about, something about male comradery, and I am left to observe. That Couple’s male portion folds forward, sending black and red discs scattering from his translucent cheeks. She distorts into a careful mixture of disgust and pity, straightens up and away from him, and tries to keep his untidy forelocks from polluting her soup. They’re meant to be, I am sure. Trendiness has run out of words, so they clasp hands instead, leaning into a competitive game of stare. I place my bet on him while unsuccessfully picturing her in a lacy veil.
Strange and Aloof waltz back, brimming with secret, manly confidences. I long for a sturdy cane to swing at them both, just for a little extra entertainment, and maybe to see if Aloof will break character. Likely not. Strange drives me home, converted back to his secret poet-self without the masculating presence of his friend to hinder him. I join in his sigh for lost love despite my embitterment. Back in bareness and silence, I embrace distraction as it lulls me to sleep.

2008-12-01T18:26:00.001-08:00

Having a minor melt down.

two.weeks. *gasp*

How am I possibly going to make it?

vulnerabilty--the third attempt.

2008-11-30T22:45:00.000-08:00

Last night in Idaho I journaled, read, prayed about a reoccurring issue in my life: relationships. After about an hour I had the urge to go dig up my high school journals and after much garage attic searching I found all six of them. Back in my old room, I flipped through pages of journal entries dating from 1999--full of thoughts, prayers, doodles, and, especially, boys. Time, it seems, has softened my memory of myself. I remembered being a bit excessive in relationships but I had conveniently forgotten the ... overlap.
At fifteen years old, I was stringing along four guys from three states while "dating" at least two of them at a time. 0_0 Umm... not good.
Initially I was disgusted. I called myself a barrage of dirty names and burrowed into my pillow with shame. I ... cheated. I was chronically unfaithful for years. How have I managed to gloss over that fact for all this time?
Then, I remembered the past four years and encouragement found me. I have changed dramatically. I don't even recognize that horribly self-conscious, under-conscienced little girl. I am a completely different person and the thought of being unfaithful in a relationship is unthinkable. Completely repulsive.
Out of this I praised God infinitely. To think where I could be right now! If not for that missions trip, if not for this school, if not for those friends, those guy friends, that new perspective, WHO would I be?? I shudder to think.
This encouragement brandished a warning or two. I am still self-conscious, still place Relationship as a too high priority, and still have a lot left to learn. A long way left to go.
But. BUT, I am so thankful for how far I have come!!

reprieve

2008-11-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

Tonight I begged God to help me feel a little less overwhelmed, a little less alone. I didn't ask for total relief, because I know my life is my responsibility, too, and I would not be willing to part with any of the things which are causing this stress (class, newspaper, JET, work). But I did ask for a tiny reprieve, just enough so that I could crawl out of bed tomorrow without cursing.

Enter the security guard--a fifty-year-old man who drove me home once before, maybe a month ago.

"ReBekha, right?" he asked.

That was all it took. That sweet man remembered my name, asked about my JET application, and reminded me that I am not, wholly, invisible.

Je déteste le français.

2008-11-14T01:00:00.001-08:00

Je ne sais pas maintenant.

Nous buvons, vous pouvez, ils vont.
Par quel train partez-vous?
C'est ici. C'est parfait. Ce, cet, cette, ces.
Un, deux, trois, soir.

Je suis fatigué. Je suis très fatigué.

Bonne nuit mon amis. "Bonne matin" pour moi.

Vulnerability 2.0

2008-11-12T18:01:00.000-08:00

I wrote a short story. Just finished it, in fact. It is almost true, with some added flavor and changed names. Mostly, it is about my first college relationship and the terrible drama which followed. It is funny writing about the events now that I am so far past them, but mostly it is encouraging. It was such a long period of pain that to finally be past it--fully, completely, happily past it--makes me want to dance a little jig. Yep, a jig.

I don't think she believes that I am over it, though. There is still distance between us, and it pisses me off. She is a great friend, and I was an idiot for being upset for so long. I thought I had fixed it in time--I was able to go to their wedding--but maybe not.

I wish I knew what to do. Maybe the distance is just a natural thing: she is married and busy, and I am single and busy. Relationships change all the time. But what if she doesn't know that I am honestly fine, and she thinks I still can't be around them? Should I tell her? It would be terribly awkward at this point, but I will do whatever it takes. I love that girl, and what is the use of all this wonderful God-given healing if she is still not going to be a part of my life?

vulnerable take 1

2008-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

Now that I am back on MySpace/Facebook, I don't exactly need this blog. Sure, I can repost the same blogs that I do on the other sites, but I have two followers on here (Hello Beth, Mike) and both of you can read blogs in the other places. The other people who stop in occassionally (Hey Deanna, Sarah) can and probably do read the other blog as well.
So... this might become my frustration forum. I hope you don't mind if I am majorly negative on this blog. I will be happy sometimes, too, but I feel more comfortable venting in this blog than the others. Deal?
To start with, I am having a body image complex. Add this one to my list of insecurities. The worst part is that I haven't had this issue since I was ten and hanging with baby fat. Sure there are times when I am like, "WOAH! love handles!" but typically it is a passing thing and I love my curvy imperfection.
Ever since this summer though.. the issue has become obsessive. The funny thing is, though, that it is only in my head and I do NOTHING about it. That includes all things healthy or unhealthy. I don't exercise, I don't starve myself. I don't eat healthy, I don't binge.
I just wallow. And it is pathetic.
I need to regain my self confidence somehow. Probably by forcing myself to do those healthy things, huh?
Well,I gotta run. Baking cookies.

Week's Realizations

2008-11-09T00:37:00.000-08:00

1. Though completely lazy Saturdays are glorious, I will regret them by Monday.
2. A sane, healthy person must spend more time asleep than studying at Starbucks.
3. A sane, healthy person will not survive Literary Theory with Dr. Martha Diede.
4. Yes, apparently, we can. :)
5. A cold is never convenient.
6. Just because it's free does not mean you have to eat it.
7. Food Poisoning is not worth the extra sleep. Or the free meal.
8. Waking up at 7 on Saturdays and 6 on Sundays is not conducive to a college lifestyle.
9. Gilmore Girls are more fun than real life.

10. Letter themed parties are the best.

11. Chicken is Bomb

12. My little brother is too good for me. I don't deserve such a great friend.

12. Nikolina is the coolest exactly-21-year-old I know. Happy Birthday, my friend!

the complex.

2008-11-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

I am a photography wanna-be. Every time I look at real photographer's work, or even just stand near one of them, it hits me: I don't got it.

I will never have the equipment to make up for what I am lacking: serious talent, an original eye.

All I have is my dumb broken D-80 and some generous friends.

Feeling lame tonight.
R

chocolate cake.

2008-10-29T19:45:00.000-07:00

Do you know what it is like to buy a gigantic piece of triple thick, extra fudgy, chocolatey-chocolate cake from Kahili, to slowly sink your silver fork in, to raise a heaping bite to your lips?

Now, imagine grabbing that whole dripping pile of calories and cramming it, fist after fist, into your pie {scratch that} cake-hole until you are suffocating in the gooey richness. Then, grab a brownie, a couple of cupcakes, and an entire pack of CostCo muffins, and cram it right down your throat. Pour in a gallon or so of syrup (maple, of course) and stick a cherry up your nose. Top with whipped cream.

That is my weekend.

Grabbing a fork.

Thinking Positively

2008-10-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

Midterms are kickin' my hinney.
The newspaper is punchin' me in the gut.
Exhaustion is totaling me over.
So I am going to think positively :)
In the last month I have

Celebrated a friends birthday in wacky capitol hill.

Photographed various friends all over Kirkland.

"Salsa danced" or something like it. :)

Fell in love with Fall all over again!

Watched my editor, Lindsey, do this. :)

Mine is a good life.

recipe for recovery

2008-10-23T00:16:00.000-07:00

I am in such a silly little funk. I have moments of freedom, but they are rare and almost forced.
What do I need?

To savor this time?

Kirkland

To bear it until the next time?

Thailand

Or just to laugh at myself in the meantime?

tree

Well, I am quite laughable.

Maybe I should start by getting more sleep... Goodnight!

Talon Time

2008-10-22T00:09:00.001-07:00

Concept Photo, originally uploaded by ReBekha Michele.

This is the fourth concept image I have come up with for this next issue of the Talon (look for it next week!). The article is titled "Are We Religious Extremists?" and the assignment I was given was to incorporate the AG faith and politics in some way.. yeah, pretty open for interpretation. Well, after many failed attempts of floating Palin heads and awkward flag waving, I finally accomplished this.
What do you think?

Oh, and we won't be using it. Turns out fifth time is a charm and the image I created after this is better suited to the article.

But this one is still my favorite.

not happy

2008-10-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I could back up about 12 years and join a nunery. Forgoe all of this unnecessary regret.

Quick Comments:

2008-10-14T18:38:00.000-07:00

-My tripod broke in half yesterday at a photo shoot. Don't ask. Add this to the list of things I need to replace before I can truly embrace photography again. *grumble* The photo shoot itself helped, though. Such fun!

-I started to fill out my JET (Japan Exchange and Teaching Program) application today. I am afraid. Afraid I won't be accepted, afraid I will be.

-I logged onto MySpace yesterday. *sigh.* I have little will power, and was dying to read a blog or two. I am re-resolving.

-I am addicted to Flickr (http://www.flickr.com/). I adore browsing other photographers' photo streams. So inspiring and humbling. My current fave: http://www.flickr.com/photos/rosie_hardy/

- Derrida destroys my brain.

- Time to study! To Do: prepare French presentation on Switzerland, read The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus, skim various chapters of "Testing for ESL"

p.s. (11:09 p.m.) I just spent.... 4+ hours on a 10 minute french presentation. I am such a power point perfectionist!!

pictures

2008-10-13T21:42:00.000-07:00

I am having fun with photos again!

1. Wrangler love, 2. Rodeo's End, 3. horse love, 4. wrangler silhouette
Maybe a little bit too much fun... so long productivity!

However, my camera is still frustrating. Damn gears are stripped or something. *grumble*

bloggery bloop.

2008-10-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I am having a horrible time attempting to focus today. This paper is quite pressing, but I can only type a few sentences without completely losing my train of thought. I have officially typed something in every paragraph, but haven't completed a single one. *Sigh*--Sundays.

Last night, we celebrated C's (I feel the need to speak in code now. Partially because it is fun) birthday at M------'s and then C------t. Good food then good (?) karaoke. :P (Can Karaoke be "good"? Perhaps an oxymoron. ) At any rate, we had a good time. C&S, N, B, K, C, and I all kicked back at Mahoney's, then B, K, C, and I met M and J at Crescent and sang it up for a few hours. I was the DD and was therefore given the daunting task of finding parking in Capitol Hill. Not an easy task on a Saturday night. Predictably, we had to walk about a mile in heels (uphill both ways) but at least I only had to pay $5 for parking. Quite a steal.
Highlights of the night:
*laughter in plenty
*C's description of a penal-something-tester. Frighteningly hilarious.
*The KING of all Nachos. Drool.
*A napkin note to B, K, and me: "You three are a scene in a movie. You are beautiful."
*C's rendition of "Respect"
*Strange man to B, me: "You are both so beautiful. Sometimes it sucks to be gay."
*M gracefully kissing/complimenting strangers. She is vibrant.
*C's discovery of the invaluable Black Opal.
*Spice Girls
*Dance Party
*Overnight at C/K's
*Breakfast of bread, green/goat cheese, coffee, and cantaloupe smoothies

I so adore my friends.
I adore blogging, also. Even if poorly and confusingly.
Back to the paper. Later, to dance or not to dance? mmm... dance. :P

Counting sleep

2008-10-10T00:12:00.000-07:00

I meant to blog, because I loved the date and wanted to memorialize it. 10.9.8. Brilliant. Ideally, I would have blogged at exactly 7:06. I would have really enjoyed that.
However, I studied instead, worked, ate, and snuggled with Mags. Then, it was choir rehearsal, and by the time I finished watching "The Usual Suspects" with Tristan, it was 10.10.8. Not nearly as cool.
However, thank you, Sarah, for pointing out the date to me. :) Even though I was unable to properly celebrate with a blog, each time I remembered the numerically pleasing nature of the day, I had to smile.

So, goodnight at.... 12.... 12. 12:12. :) There it is.

home

2008-10-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

Home has been good.
Now I am ready to go home.

eh

2008-10-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am pathetic posting yet ANOTHER blog, but I have no other outlet. I don't know who to call.
My grandpa is dead. I am a wreck. I don't know how to act. I don't know what to do, how to be. I don't know if I would rather be alone, if I would rather go out, if I should sleep, if I should jump in the lake and swim away. I don't know how I am supposed to react, how I want to react.

I hate this. I hate being so far away from home. I hate that I haven't even seen my grandpa in a year, I hate being a complete and utter spazmonger. I want everyone to know I am in pain and to share it, and I want to keep it completely to myself and act like nothing has happened.
Something has happened. I know he is happy now, I know death isn't the end, I know I will see him again someday. But I do.not.care.

Pathetic.

p.s. I am flying home tonight. This will make it easier.

Grandpa Jesus

2008-10-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

Grandpa Jesus "Jesse" Hernandez is hanging out with his namesake tonight. I bet he already broke out his famous salsa, and maybe even the recipe. He rarely shares the recipe, but I figure this is a special occasion. I can see him pop open a fresh jar while Jesus (The First) snags a bag of chips and a deck of cards. Jesse loves to play cards. Grandma Charlene, in all of her Nazarene glory, would rock back in her chair, flowered night gown flowing, and wag and tisk at his sinful ways. She is probably doing the same thing even know, chidding both Jesuses for gamblin' when they could be doin' something useful, for heaven's sake!

Jesse's accent sang a life of hard work and joy. He couldn't always find the right English words, but I understood what he said, even in Spanish. He always let me eat all the fruit I could pick, and the tangy flavor of wild grapes is the crinkles of his eye and his crackled laughter. He taught me how to milk a goat, how to pick a ripe cherry, and which jar of salsa was best for a little girl who thought she could handle the best.

Grandpa Jesse probably misses his billy goats, the obnoxious things. It freaked me out when they followed me around the yard trying to scratch their horns on me, so I stood behind the fence while Grandpa Jesse kneeled down and scratched them on the head, letting them butt against his knees a little. One hand on his back, he would stand then, smile at their bleating, and creak over to the rabbits cages. He loved all his pets, most of them too old and wild for me to care for, and I bet it is hard for him to be gone and not able to look after them. I hope someone else will let the billy goats butt them. I think they really liked that.

The last time I saw him was a month after Grandma Charlene died. We brought some groceries to the house, set the bags next to empty salsa jars, and picked up a pack of playing cards which were scattered across the coffee table. I found him out in the yard, leaning heavily on a cane and staring at his little goats. He made an effort as though to kneel down, and winced sharply. Noticing me behind the gate he smiled, creaked his way over to the rabbits, and sang back to me, "The grapes are good, mi hija. Have some."

I Want an R.A.

2008-10-01T21:44:00.001-07:00

This is the satire I just wrote for Advanced Expos, mimicking "I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady. I had WAY too much fun writing it. Thinking of you, Beff. :)

I once belonged to that classification of people known as resident assistants. I was An R.A. And, not altogether coincidentally, I was a student.

Not too long ago a female peer of mine appeared on the campus fresh from a community college. She has a single room, which is, of course, in the dorms. She is dependent upon her R.A. As I thought about her while I was studying one afternoon, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have an R.A. Why do I want an R.A.?

I would like to go back to the dorms so that I can become socially dependent, refresh myself, and, if need be, progress my love life. I want an R.A. who will strive to support me with school. And while she is going to school I want an R.A. to take care of my problems. I want an R.A. to keep track of school-wide events and sport events. And to plan some of mine, too. I want an R.A. to make sure my friends eat properly and are kept healthy. I want an R.A. who will neutralize the floor’s drama and keep us happy. I want an R.A. who is a good nurturing counselor to my floor-mates, who diagnoses their problems, makes sure they have a brimming social life with the boys, takes them to the waterfront, coffee shops, etc. I want an R.A. who takes care of the floor when we are sad, an R.A. who arranges to be available when my friends need extra time, because, of course, I cannot compromise grades in school. My R.A. must expect to skip classes and work and not lose her mind. It may mean a small decrease in my R.A.’s grades from class to class, but I think she can handle that. Needless to say, my R.A. will arrange and sacrifice for the care of the floor while my R.A. is in school.

I want an R.A. who will take care of my obvious needs. I want an R.A. who will keep my hall clean. An R.A. who will pick up after my friends. I want an R.A. who will submit the maintenance requests, vacuum, decorate, keep the bathrooms clean, and who will see to it that all possible paperwork is printed in her personal file so that I can get what I want without leaving the dorms. I want an R.A. who plans the events, an R.A. who plans fun events. I want an R.A. who will set the date, do the necessary research, make the phone calls, advertise it interestingly, and then understand when I am too busy studying. I want an R.A. who will call the nurse when I am sick and sympathize with my stress and lack of motivation for school. I want an R.A. to stay behind when the school takes a break so that she can continue to plan for me and my friends when we come back and want to hang out.

I want an R.A. who will not interrupt me with incessant lectures about my “community responsibility.” But I want an R.A. who will listen to me when I feel the need to complain about a rather difficult floor-mate I have argued with about her lack of respect. And I want an R.A. who will edit my papers for me when I have finished them.

I want an R.A. who will take care of the events for my social experience. When my friends and I are bored out of sanity, I want an R.A. who takes care of the entertainment details. When I meet boys on the brother floor who I like and want to know, I want an R.A. who will have an event planned, will prepare a delicious snack, give it to me and the boys, and not butt-in when I flirt and make them interested in me and my charm. I want an R.A. who will have arranged that the event is private and off campus out of the way so that security does not bother us. I want an R.A. who takes care of the details of our events so that we have fun, who makes sure that we‘re in a great location, that we are given plenty of time, that we are offered a diverse selection of games, that that our juice boxes are replenished as necessary, that our expenses are taken care of as needed. And I want an R.A. who understands that sometimes I need a weekend away with my boyfriends.

I want an R.A. who is considerate of my romantic life, an R.A. who sets me up regularly and consistently with guys who are worth it, an R.A. who makes sure that I am occupied. And, of course, I want an R.A. who will take care of unwanted attention when I am not interested in them. I want an R.A. who takes on complete responsibility for failed dates, because I do not want low self-esteem. I want an R.A. who will match make for only me so that I do not have to clutter up my romantic life with rivalries. And I want an R.A. who understands that my romantic life may entail more than strict adherence to school policy. I must, after all, be able to interact with men as completely as possible.

If, by chance, I find another floor with a more suitable R.A. than the R.A. I already have, I expect the liberty to reject my present R.A. for another one. Naturally, I will expect an immediate, direct change; my R.A. will take the paperwork and be thoroughly accurate in it so that I can leave easily.

When I am graduated from school and have a career, I want an R.A. to keep in contact and continue to validate me so that my R.A. can endlessly mentor and support me through life’s trials.

My God, who wouldn’t want an R.A.

A Fresh Start

2008-09-30T19:58:00.000-07:00

I am putting my facebook and myspace accounts to sleep for awhile. I don't know if anyone will read this, but I need a place to type my thoughts and such. So here I go!